Don't Name Your Daughter Monica

Monicas never turn out well. Watch this; it's incredible.

We Now Know Who The Nominee Will Be

My Mother, The Pundit

Who better to assess last night than my mother, the snarky Brooklyn-born, Brooklyn-educated lawyer who once wore a tiny gold hangar around her neck to show her pro-choice support.

"I am so sick of hearing that Hillary's base is this blue-collar white working class voter. That's not her base! Those are just people who won't vote for a black man. What do blue collar, factory-working white men have in common with this fat woman lawyer in polyester pantsuits? They have more in common with your dog, Zeke."

Out of the mouths of smart, well-educated women lawyers...

Say Cheese, Fritzl!

Anyone else as obsessed with this story as I am? This article in the Daily Mail by Julie Moult is the most comprehensive I've read yet. Here are some choice quotes, for your, well, I won't say amusement, because this is a sad story, so how about, for our collective perverse curiosity:

For the first nine months of her 24 years in captivity, she was also tethered with a 5ft dog leash around her neck to prevent her escape

For the first nine years, he imprisoned her in a grim 15ft by 15ft box room which had a makeshift toilet in one corner. She told police that Fritzl forced her to help drag a 600lb concrete and steel door into position to seal the dungeon. It was only when it was in place that she discovered she had helped to build her own prison.

Fritzl finally agreed to expand the cellar - again with Elisabeth's help - after she had given birth to two of his children. He forced her to dig out the chambers by hand, working for hours at a time. The process took nearly a decade.

Austrian police said the air inside the inner chambers was so stifling they have been forced to drill holes to allow investigators to breathe.

Fritzl is said to be obsessively watching TV reports about the incarceration and abuse of his daughter from his isolated cell.

In police interviews, Elisabeth said that at the start she had fought against the imprisonment, banging on the walls and screaming until she could no longer speak, but no one had come as the weeks turned into months, and the years into decades.

Shameless Self-Promotion

This Woman is a Lesbian

Crystal Dixon has been placed on leave by the University of Toledo (Yes! Yay! Good job!) for writing an article in the local press in which she states, "As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo's Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are "civil rights victims." Here's why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman. I am genetically and biologically a Black woman and very pleased to be so as my Creator intended. Daily, thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle evidenced by the growing population of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex Gays) and Exodus International just to name a few. Frequently, the individuals report that the impetus to their change of heart and lifestyle was a transformative experience with God; a realization that their choice of same-sex practices wreaked havoc in their psychological and physical lives."

-Crystal Dixon, Toledo Free Press

Ok, where to begin. Let's just focus on that first part. But first, what the fuck does your being a business owner have to do with gay people deserving equal rights? I don't really get that, but I'm glad you got a master's degree from some shitty school in what might be the shittiest city in America.

Sorry. I don't mean to judge. But you're sure doing a lot of judging Crystal, aren't you? And Jesus didn't give you the name Crystal, your Mom did, so maybe you could pass along a message from me: Crystal is a name for morons and strippers. I take it you're not the latter, so...

Although, with all that make-up on (severe purple eye shadow, and tons of lipstick, which, white or black, no woman is born with blood red lips. I'm pretty sure your creator didn't intend for you to look like that. If he did, he would have made you that way), maybe you do like to strip. In which case, ew.

Seriously, what is it with these evangelical wing-nuts who blame their beastliness on their creator? He made you, first of all, naked, and you're wearing clothes, so take those off. Actually, please don't. Ew. He made you without blonde highlights, I'm pretty sure. Did he also make you a close-minded bitch?

Because if you're going to argue that it's sinful to deviate from the norm of the creator, then you don't get to pick and choose which norms are more important than others.

But what this all boils down to, after a lot of reflection is this: Crystal Dixon is a closet-case lesbian. How do I know? Check out that photo. No sister I know would ever wear a mullet like that (and let it be PUBLISHED in a NEWSPAPER!) if she wasn't muff-diving on the side, or at the very least, in her heart of hearts.

Go beaver go!

May I Sniff Your Chair?

An Australian politician is in trouble for smelling the chair of his female colleague after she stood up. I love politics.

Read more here.