Here She Is, Miss America (Part II)

Please meet our 10 Republican semi-finalists for our first ever Senate Beauty Pageant! (And don't forget to vote for your favorites)!!

Miss Alaska- Lisa Murkowski

This 51-year old native beauty from our nation's northernmost state enjoys spending time with her husband, Verne, and their two sons, Nic and Matt. After Daddy gave up his Senate seat to take over Alaska's governorship, he appointed Daddy's little girl to the Senate, but she's since won re-election on her own! You go, girl! Lisa loves to ski, fish and camp in the wilds of Alaska, and has two really cute puppies.

Platform Issue: National Arts & Crafts Program

Talent: Spin-Art


Mr. Florida- Mel Martinez

Born in Cuba and brough to Florida as a teen, this tall, 61 year old Latin lover tore it up in college at Florida State University, where he was a proud Alpha Tau Omega. Now he enjoys spending time with his wife- a true blonde bombshell- and airing ads against his opponents who support hate crimes legislation by referring to them as, "darling(s) of homosexual extremists." Good sense of humor, this one.

Platform Issue: Free Hair Coloring for Greying Men

Talent: Flute

Mr. Louisiana- David Vitter

This statuesque brunette is more than a pretty face-- he's a Rhodes Scholar, and knows how to have fun, too! Triple threat! 47-year old David seems to have weathered the storm when stories of his trysts (in diapers) with D.C. prostitutes surfaced last year, despite the fact that during the Lewinsky scandal, Vitter's wife said, "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he [Vitter] does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony trust me."

Mrs. Vitter- don't do it! Yes, he's a bad boy, but look at that face-- soooo cute!

Platform: Affordable Diapers

Talent: Playing Baseball Without a Cup


Miss Maine- Olympia Snowe

At 61, this Greek Orthodox is one stunning brunette! Born in Augusta, Maine, this survivor was orphaned by the age of 9 when her mother died of cancer and her father of a heart attack. She was raised by her Uncle... until he died, too. And her first husband was tragically killed in a car accident when she was just 26 years old. But don't let her tragic past fool you- this broad hangs tough in the Senate's Gang of 14.

Platform Issue: Skunk Extermination

Talent: Basket Weaving

Mr. Minnesota- Norm Coleman

Don't let first impressions fool you. At 58, Norm may look chipper and sweet, but he has a wild streak just like any other true-red bad boy. His wife is model Laurie Coleman, who as recently as 2004 posed for "boudoir" photos in the Washington Post, he spent his 20th birthday partying at Woodstock, and in high school, he ran for student council by claiming, "these conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do." Yes, my friends, he was once a liberal. If that's not wild, I don't know what is.

Platform: National Holiday: Make Wednesdays Cuddle Day!

Talent: Silent But Deadlies


Mr. Nebraska- Chuck Hagel

This attractive 61 year old Purple Hearted Vietnam War Vet put himself through college working as a bartender. Well, Chuck, you can tend bar for me any day! With a mop of graying hair and those sunken, almond-shaped eyes, Hagel's dream-boy face won't be visible much longer on the Senate floor- after 2 terms, he's retiring. Although he's an outspoken critic of the war in Iraq, this married father of two isn't always so serious: in Halloweens past, he's dressed up as Joe Biden, Colin Powell & John McCain.

Platform: Clean Fingernails

Talent: Kazoo


Mr. Oregon- Gordon Smith

Perhaps this 56 year old Oregonian Mormon wears a toupee, but who cares-- with his warm smile and elegant features, this Brigham Young alum is a keeper. A moderate, Gordo favors a quick withdrawl from Iraq, and has even been lauded by the HRC for his pro-gay stance on certain issues. When his son committed suicide in 2003, he wrote a book about it and helped secure funding for suicide prevention programs at colleges across the country.

A caffeine-free Mormon with a heart of gold? You don't find that every day.

Platform: Puppies

Talent: Flossing

Mr. South Dakota- John Thune

He's young (47) he's hung (we presume) and he's hot as hell. He can play with the big boys-- after all, he ousted former minority leader Tom Daschle, but this corn-fed, native South Dakotan has a sweet side, too; he supports the war in Iraq because, "liberating Iraq from decades of tyranny and dictatorship, bringing about political freedom, will create an atmosphere of where religious freedom will come to Iraq. And that opens the door, obviously, for the Christian faith there as well." That said, he did name his daughters Brittany and Larissa-- see you at the Black Hills Strip Club! And if that weren't enough to get your goat, how about this: He's the Chief Deputy Whip. Mr. Thune, you can whip me any time you like!

Platform: Cheaper Leather Goods

Talent: Rubs His Stomach While Balanced on One Foot and Patting His Head

Mr. Tennessee- Bob Corker

He may be the junior Senator from Tennessee, but there's nothing junior about this stud! This 55 year old Sigma Chi was on the other end of the infamous Playboy party "Harold, call me" ads that knocked out his 2006 Democratic opponent, Harold Ford, Jr. (who, had he won, would surely have been competing in our Democratic pageant). But this Southern gent isn't always such a party pooper-- right before the election, photos surfaced on facebook of his hot young daughter making out with another girl. Cue sexy porn music... now!

Platform: Promoting Tolerance for Same-Sex Kissing (Which Does NOT Make you Gay).

Talent: Kissing People of the Same Sex.

Ms. Texas- Kay Bailey Hutchison

All I can say is, Damn!!! Girl looks good for 64! This Pi Beta Phi sorority cheerleader from UT-Austin has still got it-- the gams, the gums and those killer light brown eyes. But she's not all goody-goody. She received more money from Big Oil than any other congressman or woman, and got a rating of zero (0) from the League of Conservation Voters, so watch out: this bad girl ain't no Erin Brokovich. She's that other woman, the one who Julia Roberts tells, we brought that water in fresh for you folks from Hinckley. Remember her? Maybe not. But you'll never forget Kay Bailey.

Platform: Saving The Trees... On Her Property

Talent: Cooks Seven-Course Meal with Oil (Not Olive Oil)