The Little Slut

I'm sure I'm not the first to consider this, so forgive me if this already occured to you. I saw The Little Mermaid on Broadway this week. The story of an underwater princess who gets her bipedal prince is actually the raunchy tale of a slut wooing a prude (or closet-case?); biology is flipped on its head as a young, virile (read: horny) man is transformed into... a Disney princess!

Here's how: Ariel sees a boy on a boat. She has to have him. She signs a contract stipulating that she has 3 days to get with him, or else she goes to some kind of hell. So the second Ariel lands on land, she wants that prince's tounge jammed down her throat. He thinks she's fine, he's into her, but when he realizes she can't speak, he loses interest. Communication is key for this prince.

Most guys I know would be thrilled to meet a hot chick who was into them and MUTE! But no, this guy needs cozy chats by the fire and romantic dinner conversations. What a loser!

Ariel & Eric keep hanging out and even though the prince starts to feel something, he resists physical intimacy. That whole Kiss The Girl scene is about setting the mood for him! Because Ariel is ready, willing, and able. Her life depends on this hook-up, she's ready to make like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball, but the prince is like, I don't know, the atmosphere's not right, I'm scared. He's acting like a Disney princess!

Long story short, Eric kills Ursula, but he takes so long to get it on with his woman that her father has to use his trident to turn her into a woman so she can marry the Prince who is now all about it because she can speak! The end.

Coda: 4 years later, as Prince Eric is cheating on his nagging, annoying wife Ariel, he's like, God I miss the days when she didn't speak. Why didn't I take advantage of those days and have, like, a lot of sex? What was wrong with me?

Moral of the story: When men act like Disney Princesses, slutty girls die. (Until their Daddies' tridents split their tails open and save them).