Ring The Alarm! Hillary vs. Obama: Day One

You've been following this Democratic primary. You're well aware of the two major themes that have been at the forefront of discussion: Music, and Day One. Song selection has played an unusually large role in the campaign of former front-runner Hillary. Back in the day when she was our inevitable choice, she made a big deal about letting the voters choose her campaign theme song; Celine Dion's ballad, You & I, won out (explain to me again why Hillary's surprised she's having trouble with the youth vote?). Never mind the fact that Celine belts out, "If I could travel across the world, the secrets I would tell..." (YIKES!).

As for Day One, no one's been more concerned than Hillary about reminding us that we need to elect someone who is ready to go the instant she arrives in Washington. Call me crazy, but I thought being Commander-in-Chief of the free world was, like, hard. I don't know of any job where someone has to be 100% ready on Day One. Even a McDonald's cashier has to learn to work the register. The hubris that someone thinks she doesn't need any on-the-job training sort of baffles me. Like, who would defrost your year-old frozen Big Mac if McDonald's suddenly insisted all applicants know how to flip burgers before they ever slip into that dark red apron? There'd be a lot of hungry (and angry!) obese Americans waiting around under golden arches.

But I digress. The fact is, we all know what Day One looks like-- it's the inaugural ball! It's a party! That's what happens on Day One (fool!). So let's take a moment to consider what the music would really sound like on Day One. How would Hillary's fete differ from Obama's?

Obvi, at Hillary's ball, Celine Dion is there to sing "You & I". She also sings "Because You Loved Me," so Hill & Bill can share a go-round on the dance floor while everyone has to smile and pretend the happy couple actually does love each other. Not that their marriage is any of our business, cause it's not. But don't ask me to play pretend with you. Why does your lie have to be mine?

The Clinton's old friend Barbra Streisand belts a tune like, "The Way We Were." Talk about change, baby! To appeal to her urban/youth support, Hillary gets Queen Latifah or X-tina to do a jazz standard with a lot of annoying riffs. Bill plays the sax. Elton John sings something schlocky. Hill does some kind of bizzarro hora with Chelsea and Donna Karan and Madeline Albright and Jane Fonda. People Magazine features this shot on the front of its Jan 22nd, 2009 edition with a softball headline like, "Hillary's Carousel of Love."

Ok, now, imagine Obama's. 

I mean, seriously, I want you to imagine how fucking hot this party is. 

Unlike Hillary, who was dressed in something smart and buttoned up and sophisticated, Michelle Obama goes all out and wears some incredible, hip, sleek Zac Posen concoction. She looks radiant. Obama is glowing in his Armani tux. Beyonce comes out in that spangly silver mini-dress with Jay-Z and brings the house down with "Ring The Alarm." (When Beyonce starts to sing, "She gon' be rockin Chinchilla coats" Malia does a split on the dance floor.) Carole King duets with Rhianna on "Where You Lead." Alicia Keys plays "No One." A fan of Dave Matthews from his law school days, Obama gets choked up as he listens to "Crash" while he sways, holding his beautiful wife. 

Then, a moment for the history books when Aretha and Stevie go ape-shit on "Signed, Sealed Delivered" (which was played right after Obama's inspirational Iowa victory speech. I'm going to pretend that there's nothing, like, slavery-esque about the idea that once this contract is signed and sealed, I'm yours...) The Dixie Chicks play a song, just because it's a huge F U to Bush. The party ends with Lenny Kravitz, Amy Winehouse and John Mayer heinously destroying some silly song, but who cares because it's Amy Winehouse up there and she looks fuuuuuuuuucked up. The photo of Obama holding his wife during Dave Matthews' set becomes an instant classic.

Them's the brakes. That's the music. That's Day One. Forget experience, forget change. It's all about the party. 

I know which one I'd rather attend. Do you?